The World I Know Is A World Much Too Slow

So here it is - I am not happy with where I currently am in my life. Instead of sitting in gloom, I am going to follow in the footsteps of one of my smartest friends. Only 3 weeks ago she wrote down that she wanted to get out of Los Angeles and now she has a one way ticket to Chicago. I am not ashamed to say that I broke down and sobbed for an hour when I got the news. One of the best parts about being in LA is that she is here, and now that she is getting out, it makes me ravenous to get out as well.

As my boyfriend knows, I am an envious person. I envy other people's relationships, successes, opportunities, and blessings. I am in a rut and do not know how to get out.

So here I will confess all of my short term goals and surrender them into the universe, hoping and praying that they are heard.

I am finding that while I love California, I don't love living here. I feel incredibly immobile here. I am always needing, whether it be a ride, directions, or an excuse. I spent 4 years in one of the most connected cities in this world. I miss the feeling of being mobile, knowing where to go, and having the freedom to just get up and do what I need to do. It's saturday afternoon and I am stuck in my house because I don't have any transportation. It's a joke.

While I have 2 great internships and a decent job, I am not doing what I love. I am not living the life I want to live at 22. I am not making enough money, I am doubting myself more than ever, and I am not having fun. Shouldn't I be having the time of my life right now? It seems like everyone else is!

The one thing I will say is that I am writing more songs than I can keep up with. They come to me in the car, right before I wake up or go to bed, and when I am watching tv. I am slowly starting to wonder whether this is a sign that I should really dig my heels into this.

My search for a second job in dead. I did not graduate from a 4 year university just to go work at the Olive Garden, but at the same time, I need a second income if I want to save and move back to New York. I am getting desperate, but I'm not quite there yet. I will keep praying. I don't think the answer is in the restaurant industry.

"Starting now, I am planting the necessary seeds to initiate a massive change in my life."

Amen.